I have this overwhelming desire for passion. I want it. In everything that I do. In love, in my work, in my friendships. I want passion to drown me in every facet of my life. I have this overwhelming sense of underachievement. From an outside perspective, I have everything. I’m about to graduate from a fairly prestigious university, my family is well-off and my parents provide me with more than I could ever imagine. I have friends who provide me with constant belly aches, and I’m working hard to begin my career (whatever that may be).
So, what’s missing? As I lay in this cloud of a bed, I can’t help but feel negative vibes all around. I want to be freed from the constraints in my life. I wish I could pull a Dick Whitman and adopt Draper as a surname. I NEED to be more spontaneous. I need excitement. I need adventure. I need to have an affair filled with forbidden love. I need every morsel of my body to flood with passion.
It’s just about growing the balls to do it.
I’ve been struggling with my weight for as long as I can remember. I think the only time I was actually considered skinny was back in the second grade. Then third grade hit and I put on pounds of baby fat I still haven’t gotten off… I’ve gone through hundreds of trials of attempting to lose weight, wether it be not eating or working out heavy for a few weeks, but I’ve never had the self-determination to stick to it. Because, well, quite frankly, I’ve never seen myself as actually being fat. I have an average sized waist, big hips, and an even bigger butt. However, when I come home, I always feel like my family sees me as some 8 feet tall, 300 pound amazon woman. For instance, I was sitting down today and my mom came over and touched my stomach and started laughing. I know, if a mother can’t poke fun at her daughter, than who can, right? I’ve been going through these “pokes of fun” for too long, even when I was in high school and weighed 130 pounds, my mom still thought I needed to work out. Even when I was playing three sports and had 3 hours of high intensity exercise a day, it still wasn’t good enough.
So, here I am. Writing the infamous, “I have body image issues” blog post. But, I don’t really have body image issues. Yes, I think I can look much better than I do now, and I want to look better than I do now. So, today will be the first day of my new work out plan. It’s very irritating that I have to watch what I eat because I literally am in love with food. While I’m not an advocate of over-eating by any means, I think it’s stupid to say that you should limit what you eat, or make sure you don’t eat carbs, or eliminate rice and bread. fuck.that. I love naan, and rice, and meat, and desserts, and chocolate, and ice cream, and all the other shit that is so bad for my body but so good for my taste buds. So, I’m going to continue to eat whatever I want, but in moderation.
I also hate exercising. I’m honestly a pretty lazy person, but if I want results, I’m going to have to get off my ass and work for them because no one has the type of money to provide me with some liposuction -__- And just to be clear, I am in no way doing this to make my mother happy. Because Indian mothers will never be happy. You might be skinny, but those bags under your eyes are way too dark, your hair is brittle, and you need to use some fair and lovely. I am doing this for myself. I love myself the way that I am and I want to prove to myself, and myself only, that I do have the strength and determination to lose as much weight as I want to (40 pounds would be ideal). So… follow me on my journey as I attempt to get back into shape, and most importantly, get healthy :)
I tend to have a lot of opinions on things going on in this world, but no outlet. So, here’s a little inside view of the way my mind works, for anyone interested. Enjoy.